In our family we don't celebrate Halloween. We do however LOVE pretend play and dressing up. Dramatic play is an everyday activity for us, not just one relegated to Halloween. However, it's October and in the US that is practically synonymous with Halloween. Inevitably the jack-o-lanterns, trick-or-treat bags and Halloween decorations are everywhere we go. Fake cobwebs, skeletons and tombstones are decorating our neighbor's front yard. In our favorite store, there is a princess costume hanging in the store window, but there is also a witch and a mummy hanging beside it. So whether we celebrate it or not, Halloween is a part of our lives, at least for this month, which means preparing my kids for the not-so-fun side of Halloween.
Don't get me wrong, Halloween can have its amusing side: the cute ladybug costumes, the glittery face paint, and the CHOCOLATE CANDIES... Hooray!
But, Halloween also has its dark and scary side: the vampires, gore and guts, spider webs and graveyards. Unfortunately, more often than not, in the media and in neighborhood, the spooky, ghoulish side wins out. The commercials for Fright Nights, Spook-fests and Haunted House tours far outnumber the ones for happy apple-bobbing, pumpkin-picking, hay-riding fall festivals. More often than not the neighborhoods are decorated with haunted house themes and not cheery autumn harvest themes. Furthermore, people do on Halloween what is usually against the rules: take candy from strangers, purposefully try to scare one another, revel in blood and gore, etc.
Young children can be highly frightened of Halloween, in which the ordinary people and places in their lives suddenly look nothing like they are supposed to. When friends and trusted adults are now dressed as characters they are unfamiliar with, and houses and stores they normally visit are now decorated as dark and foreboding places, just saying: "Don't worry, it is all pretend." or "It's okay, it's not real." doesn't pacify their apprehension. This is because when children play pretend or dress up during dramatic play, they often assume the roles that they are dressed as. They take on that character and often believe themselves to be that character, acting and feeling as though they were "the construction worker", or "the mommy", or "the doctor". So naturally Halloween seems real enough to them and that's all that matters.
Even if you don't celebrate Halloween with your child, or if you plan to indulge in friendlier, Happy Harvest type events instead, unless you plan to stay indoors for all of October, you and your little one will more than likely encounter some of the darker aspects of Halloween along your way. Therefore, it is important to prepare your child for Halloween's scarier aspects. Here are some tips to help prepare for the darker side of Halloween with your child:
1. In ordinary situations, long before Halloween, talk about what it means to feel scared. Often children do not have the words to associate with their feelings, nor the means to verbally express them. When you notice a strong feeling in your child, comment on their actions and the feeling that they are having. Saying comments like, "Oh, I noticed you are crying; you must be sad." or "I noticed you are stomping around, you must be mad." helps you child to connect the word for their feelings with their emotions and their actions. Before Halloween rolls around, when you notice your child is frightened of something, talk about what reactions you noticed and label that feeling. Talk about what things your child finds scary and why. For example, if your child is afraid of the dark what specifically about it makes her afraid? Is it because she can't find her way to the bathroom in a dark hall? Because the shadows are shaped like animals? Because she bumps into things in the dark? If your child is afraid of bugs, is it because he doesn't like how they look? Because they move too quickly and run across the ground? Is it because they feel slimy? Talking through not only what is scary but why something is scary helps to make the feared item less emotionally charged and more thoughtful and processed.
2. Tell your child one thing that you find scary and why. You should be genuine, and yet selective so as not to induce fear for your child. Pick something that isn't likely to bring up a new fear, something distant and not likely to be present or to occur, but something nevertheless real to you. For example, bungee jumping. I am very afraid of bungee jumping. It is too high, too fast, and just doesn't seem safe. I could genuinely talk about that fear without really inducing a new fear for my child, because bungee jumping is definitely not something in our future! Or I could say I am afraid of field mice. Pet mice in the pet store not scary, but wild mice, very scary. They are ugly and germy and move too fast and are hard to catch. Field mice are not likely in our future as we live in the city so this wouldn't likely arouse a new fear in my child. I would not however talk about my fear of losing my mom as this not something I can determine when it will occur and it may very well bring up the fear for my own child. Though you should be selective in picking your one fear to share, it is important that your child knows that being scared is something that happens to everyone.
3. Next, talk about strategies your child can use when he/she feels scared. Frightening things are less scary when you have a plan of action of how to deal with them. Taking control over a frightening situation makes it less scary and overwhelming. Before Halloween arrives, place the power of dealing with the feeling of fear in your child's hands. Talk about what responses your child can have with non-Halloween related things that your child finds scary. For example, if your child is afraid of bugs and spots on in the backyard, what can your child do? Maybe spray the bug with a water gun, call Mom to capture the bug, or squash the bug. If your child is afraid of the dark, can he have a flashlight, a nightlight, glow in the dark stickers, etc.
4. Talk about what strategies that you personally use to stay calm and deal with your fears. I.e. I stay away from bungee jumping. And I'd immediately hire an exterminator if I should ever see a mouse. Avoidance is certainly a valid tactic to teach/model, and so is calling for help. However, other tactics like practice (i.e. for speaking in front of crowds), or adaptations, accommodations, distractions, etc. (i.e. playing music while in the elevator) should be modeled/taught as well.
5. After the foundation of identification of fear and dealing with fears has been laid, relate the above discussions to Halloween. State that people sometimes find it amusing to be scary or to challenge their fears on Halloween. Talk about why as well. I.e. it makes people feel brave to confront things they are usually afraid of i.e. witches, villains, etc. It makes people feel strong or powerful to look scary. Again, discussing why makes the situation less emotionally charged, more thoughtful, and more processed.
6. Talk about what your child can do if he/she becomes overwhelmed or scared of a costume or decoration. I.e. close his eyes. Turn away. Carry a security toy or blankie. Use a loud, strong voice and say, "Stop, I don't like this." Or request to go home or to another non-threatening location. It is important not to chastise your child for being afraid or for whatever method he/she chooses to use to deal with that fear.
7. You should have your back up plan in place too. Prepare beforehand what you will do if your child becomes afraid, i.e. offer a hug and kiss, help hide their eyes, take him to a quiet, non-frightening location to calm down, etc. and most importantly share your plan so that your child will know both his plan and yours are in place.
8. If you want to, you can talk about the difference between real and fantasy as part of your Halloween preparations, but don't get bogged down in this part. For young children, the line between truth and reality is very thin and porous. Often the things they pretend are as real and valid to them as the events that happened yesterday-sometimes even more "real" and more easily remembered, too. Therefore, getting locked in a battle of true or false isn't worth it. However, if you choose to discuss reality vs. fantasy, a helpful game to illustrate this point is the "mask on-mask off" game. Show your child your face, and say "See, it's mommy". Then partially cover your face, "See, still me." Next completely put a mask over your face say, "Still me under here." Finally remove it, say "See, still mommy. The mask doesn't change who I am, it only covers me." Sometimes even this game is too scary for a child who doesn't want to see their parent changed in any way. So first try the mask on-mask off game with a doll instead. Repeat the game with your child looking in the mirror, with other people, with other toys, etc. Then relate this game to people in their costumes and houses with their decorations. The costumes and decorations don't change who the people or places are; they are only covered up.
9. Finally, reading books about Halloween like Peek-a-Booo by Marie Torres Cimarusti or Clifford's First Halloween by Norman Bridwell can help to lessen any fears and illustrate the playful, pretend aspect of Halloween. Again, don't get too lost in a real-pretend debate. The most important thing is for your child to know what fear means and to have strategies in place to deal with it. Such skills are important for Halloween, and even beyond, that for life.
Hope this helps you and your little one.
